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The security of insecurities….

Ah, back to the journal, back to recording some of the sands of my thought as they seep through the pinch of the now. It’s been a while since I wrote anything. This is of partially of course because after my last post I didn’t know what to write. After a few days it was then because I was waiting for some events to pass before writing again. But lately I’ve been thinking about that. About the fact that I’m reluctant to write anything when I’m feeling down or depressed. For some reason, part of me has wanted this journal to be filled with good thoughts (or at least thoughts from a time when I’m not feeling down, past post excluded), but I think I will have to accept the fact that life is filled with a lot of bad things, and if I’m going to attempt to journal some of my life, I really should journal my life, not filtering out the parts that I might be afraid to talk about.

For these past few weeks, those who are close to me know that I’m going through a kinda job crisis right now. I’m currently at a job that, while I enjoy it some of the time, has become increasingly worse. When it hit a rather low point, I asked a friend of mine if there were any positions open at my last job, and he mentioned they were looking for someone to do exactly what I did there before I left. The benefits for said possible job are great, and it would be with people I’ve worked with before. I’ve applied for it and I’ve gotten as far as the final two, with a decision still forthcoming.

Now, you might be saying, “Wow, what a great opportunity! You must be really exited!”, and for a decent part you’d be right. I am excited about the potential opportunity. But I have found myself over the past few weeks to be a nervous wreck, alternating between different moods at a drop of a hat, and finding myself in the midst of a ton of self-imposed questions. One question, of course, is the obvious: “What if I don’t get the job?”. The weight of this question is staggering. Initially, when I thought about this question the response was rather academic. I was at that time more concerned with general job satisfaction and standard benefits more than anything, basically the generalities that come with moving to a new job. But then my thoughts moved into a new realm, one I’m not accustomed to: “What does this mean about my potential future family?”.

I don’t think my wife really knows at this point how much I think about the possible future little one. I know that when we start trying in a couple months that we may not have a little one on the way for quite some time. But I’m also know that we could. It is in the face of this that my nature as a planner comes forward. I want us to be as ready as we can be to have a child, at least in the realm of figuring out daily care for the child after it has been born and its mother and father has to go back to work. It is no small thing in my mind that my wife and I now work in a different time zone from where we would like the child to receive day care, and when you add to that an hour commute, you get a whole bunch of extra expenses around finding a day care for the child. Now, I do know that there are day care places around our workplace that could possibly work, but when thinking about that my brain immediately shifts to further planning. Do we want to take a baby/toddler with us on an hour commute? What about schools once the child is out of day care? We obviously will want the child do go to school in Bloomington. How is that going to work when we have to leave for work at 7 a.m. and don’t return until 5:30? What about the simple desire to have one of us in town in case our child needs us?

It is in the face of these questions (and the myriad others that I haven’t even mentioned) that I become increasingly worried. I feel insecure about everything around me, and I start to question a lot of the decisions and actions that I’ve made even in the face of the blantant truth that I can’t go back and change them. But what happens sometimes in these introspective moments is that I actually think; I actually truly consider what’s going on from a different point of view, and I find myself actually thinking things through to a possibly productive end (or at least an end). For this time, I took a deep look at my own insecurities. What I found is that for myself I tend to find security in my insecurities. When faced with issues concerning my job, what did I turn to first? Was it my wife? My friends? No, it was my insecurity blanket. I found myself mired in the folds of something I know all too well, something that gives me a strange sense of comfort even as it suffocates me. By the time I did go to my wife and my friends I was already depressed. I was already surrounded by all of the bad thoughts, while the good thoughts of my wife and friends were bouncing off of the shield of insecurities that I had pulled about me. And how long was it before I talked with my wife and friends? Oh, no more than a few minutes. That’s all it took. You see, when you take your insecurity blanket with you no matter where you go, it takes only a moment to put it on.

So now what do I do? I know my insecurities will always be there. I also know as I venture into the realm of having a child that I will probably have even more insecurities. But perhaps I should look around and find that other blanket, the one that I often forget is there. The blanket woven by the good thoughts and love of family and friends. My real security blanket. But I’m faced with a dilemma. I need the true warmth and comfort the real security blanket, but I need also to be mindful of my insecurities. A balance is needed….

Perhaps if I try hard enough, with the help of family and friends I can make a quilt.

{ 22 } Comments

  1. Ruslan | November 12, 2015 at 8:34 am | Permalink

    This is really uplnitfig *sigh* I dont like that I have this problem and I try to keep things in perspective because I know the world doesn’t revovle around myself but at times I just get the feeling that everyone is looking at me and judging me for my every mistake, it makes it hard to even interact with people without being even in the least anxious. This is uplnitfig though and I will def turn my problems to the Lord because at this point he is the only one that can help me. Thanks for the post and your helping people like us by just talking about your situations and giving us all courage.

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